hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
