Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
