i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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