um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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