God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
