I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
3pm strippers are depressing
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
