Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
