Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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