oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
