i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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