don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
