You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
