her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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