I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
