sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
