How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
