wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
