i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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