i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
