Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
