I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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