I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We are all done wearing pants today
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
