Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
