the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
