I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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