Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
