Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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