ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
