she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice