I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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