I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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