i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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