dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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