I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
