Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
