Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
