Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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