so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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