What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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