Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
