Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
