you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
