I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
