I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
