Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
