All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
