well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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