the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Randomize
