He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize