hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
