If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
