First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think I just sharted jello shots
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
