I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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