i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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