the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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