I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
