so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
