the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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