shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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