college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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