We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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